Half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom.

Half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom.

Sparks flew from across the room, jet lights of green, red and blue when our eyes got locked in the midst of people giggling, fooling around, dancing, whispering and moving. 
I felt the mutuality through glances. Call it luck or something else; it seemed as if my dumb, horrible interpreter brain was baptized with some right ass intuitions which might as well be super wrong but I wasn’t able to deny its worthiness.

So, I plucked some of the courage I never knew I had and moved across the room wrestling through pushes and blocking from party animal hypocrites and their sweats, just to follow her and find her.

“Can I buy you a drink?” I sneak in a scream-whisper in her ears.

 Technically it was screaming but the loud EDM made it sound like something that it wasn’t, a whisper.

She smiled and nodded at me.

Does that mean she is interested? Aside from the physical battle I just experienced, I create a battle of my own at the back of my mind, wrestling my thoughts and calculating the permutation and combination of her smile, nod and half hoping she orders something cheap which can be covered from the budget I have left in my pockets. Yes pockets!
Well, what do you expect from a guy who doesn’t even own a wallet?

Luckily, I was saved from the eternal misery of embarrassment as she ordered some cheap beers. Apparently, whiskeys aren’t her thing. BINGO

Friends always tell me be yourself in a date but I have a tendency to run towards the opposite direction. A few drinks in and I almost forget who I am. I mean not in a literal sense I still know who I am but I don’t know who I am. You get me right?

Felt like I was channeling into someone I am not; a hypocrite. I shake my head ask myself, “What the fuck is happening?” but the stuffs running through my veins makes me too busy to answer. Instead I start babbling doing quite opposite of what I am not supposed to do.

I tell her all my lies, my best lies, my awesome lies. Something similar to “once I ate my teapot, tablecloth and tongue all at the same time.”

After our bits of conversation and lots of laughing, it hits me that she inclines handsome men but for me she was making an exception. 

So, I let loose, let my intuition do the talking and ignore everything around me. (If you are pondering on what let loose means. For me it means ignoring the deadline of arriving home at 8 and the fact that I couldn’t be in peace if I don’t reach my “own bed” till 10:30)
Focus on her an involuntary sound commands.
Main goal: impress her.
Basically, get approval from someone whom I’ve known for 30 minutes through the jokes that aren’t even mine.

I clearly get under the influence of being king and queen of the weekend i.e. live a lie.

We talk about an hour. She invites me to stay over her place. How the hell could I refuse my new found self and VAT-TAX-HOMEWORK-RE-CHECK session? 

My intuition told me that it was my turn to nod and smile. My heart skips it’s beat.

“I need your love and I’m dying of the rush cause my heart ain’t got enough”

Yours, Truly disastrous.

Yours, Truly disastrous.

Sorry, there is nothing pure about the things we do.

You fight so hard, so much,

Not to be seen, loved or heard.

 

Then, someone looks at you differently,

And it’s fine.

To give it in, tear it down, stripping it all.

 

But,

 

Vulnerability makes you loose it like shit.

 

They say, “Give it to the fire.”

Your pride, guilt, lust, teeth and yourself………….

 

She spits fire as she gets close

My skin screams, ignites;

I feel the screech of fear and pleasure

 

I run away from fear.

I run back for pleasure.

Pushing up my toes,

Wanting more.

 

We work it out like sun and moon,

I only glow when I am reflecting off of you.

Or, at least we believed so.

 

Guess what! You should know about us more.

No, we shouldn’t.

Or maybe we should.

 

There are perfect graceless nights when you stay.

We suffer from amnesia,

Forget about the distance monster.

 

In the morning,

You go away because you need to.

And I understand because I have to.

 

There is nothing pure about any of this.

 

 

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Sorry, I was never born to drown.

 

We sit down to eat,

We have nothing to say

 

The breakfast gets as cold as our feelings.

 

Sorry, I was too busy seeing happy people on other table.

Sorry, I was too busy swallowing the big lump in my throat.

 

With that follows scream,

Screams that form words, “psychopath, sociopath and foul”

 

Then, you and I leave.

We return back,

Blame it to the long distance monster.

 

But What about the monsters we tuck under our beds?

Our tongues get tied up as we hide each other’s demons.

 

There was nothing pure about us.

We were together for a summer,

After that it was just 9 month’s long influence.

 

I wish it wasn’t influence

I wish it was love.

 

So, you came back

You are here now

I ask, “For how long?”

“Summer break!” she says

 

You are here now

And the perfect graceless nights are merely obligations.

 

We are nothing more than jewelries.

Easily worn and taken off.

 

Told us we were like sun and moon.

Every night I live and you die.

And it gets eclipsed when we meet.

 

You shouldn’t have trusted me.

You know how moon works,

It changes everyday.

so do I.

 

I know I tore you open with my ignorance

We both know we tried to feel anything at all.

We failed to recreate graceless nights similar to our remembrance.

 

I know it is gonna hurt.

So, I will run away first.

 

Soon enough,

Someone will love us.

But that someone isn’t us.

 

She wishes to never meet me, she knows.

I am falling back to the dark hole I came from

And I never felt this safe to curl up while expectation snows.

 

So, fuck you!

 

Dark hole was never a place.

Until I created it.

People call it being alone.

I call it “not drowning into someone else’s shit”

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We are hollow like the bottles that we drank.

We are hollow like the bottles that we drank.

I look up at my phone like every morning.

Instagram filled with fabrication of documented lies or I like to believe it that way. I just linger around the idea of using the app day planner but I know what will happen through the day.

I have been living almost the same day everyday since past few years. Which my mum gladly likes to refer as “running out of time” phone blows up with texts from my folks for meeting up as usual.

I find my shoes, get my jacket and try to get some money from mum and make my way out. My mum stops me to blame me for everything under the sun but lends me what I need for a typical summer day of my life.

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Summer days are longer and well summery.
Must be the reason why we feel so warm, youthful, lethargic and timeless even though we are younger as a minute.

We don’t need any policies, no out dated stereotypical rules. We know we are the coolest.

Getting tipsy, running around on summer nights, playing stupid dare games.
We roam around the roads where the houses don’t change; we watch each other tirelessly trying to grow up and we effortlessly fail, we mock at that because it’s humorous.

It must be humorous otherwise the alternative would be something else related with guilt of failure.

Eyes get rolled when people try to shove mannerisms down our throat. They think we dumb? We don’t know that? Everyone does. We just choose to be diva queen in tears who just don’t care.

Eyes study the floor when they boast about their studies of business and human bodies. Makes us wonder why people talk so much!

Eyes won’t stop bashing skulls but still they don’t quit their blathers.
They and we talk like there is actually something to say but the truth is we are just killing time.
Cause we are never done throwing useless words at each other. Words summed up to sentences that never really hits but ends up with burned throats.

I am glad that we stayed to feel timeless, hopeless and useless rebels. We want this summer to end and never end at the same time.

I return with the same old feet and shoes, with jacket swinging in my hand. I try to slip as quietly as possible but the booze won’t let me.

Mum’s voice rings, “who’s over there?” A minute or so flies she is standing right in front of me hands crossed against her chest with a frown blended with anger. I know that look on her face; I see it everyday on every summer night. I don’t like being choked by my mother’s love. So I try and ignore.

She just shakes her head in disbelief and walks away murmuring something about responsibilities, growing up and being tired.

I produce a short giggle moreover a yelp.
I am tired of myself too.
I am Tired of people, Tired of life, and Tired of expectations.

So, I decide to disappear because I have to breathe for another summer day of my life. A year long summer to survive. I try to disappear into my dark room staring the darker ceiling.

We are hollow. But we believe we are brave.

(listen to lorde’s 400 lux)

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You are like my wine stained shirt that I can not, should not wear.

You are like my wine stained shirt that I can not, should not wear.

I know better at this point.I must, because I  cannot go through all this. Not again. Not with you.

You are the high tides of clear blue water which never stays constant nor that it should. Otherwise that would be unnatural.

Yet somewhere inside me I have this slightest bit of tendency towards incase. Incase you notice the change, incase you want to break the natural, because I don’t have no guts to do it.

Lucky ones are only held more than just a friend.

I just happen to fall under the unlucky.

An unlucky who wishes you would just consider the million reasons I give you everyday to just acknowledge the incase, the alternative of being a still blue water; staying in, holding on, canoodling with the unlucky because months and months of back and forth just cuts more deep.

You see that is a rare case i.e. unlucky turning into the lucky ones.

A rare case that tears up my expectations, manipulates my decisions, makes me fall on my knees. A rare case that makes me an unlucky fool pondering over a smile, a touch hoping it meant more than it is supposed to. Most of all it is frustrating to see myself standing back where I always stood before.

It is like I have lost the ability of being mobile, lost the ability of being heard as my lungs are filled with water and my screams are muffled under water.

I know you are happy now with your lucky man and last thing you would want is me barging into the places where I am not expected.

So, I decide to stay out because I know you will refuse to stay in.

Your attention is all I want but not like this. I want us to cross that delicate line of friend zone but isn’t possible when you patch up suddenly with someone with whom you have a relationship younger as a minute.

Then it isn’t even your fault. How can you answer something I never asked?

Eventually, I will have to let it all go. But you are like my favorite wine stained shirt which can neither be seen going to waste nor can be worn. 

This was my twisted love on the straight pathway built out of friendzone.

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Everything under the sun frightens me.

Everything under the sun frightens me.

Truth runs wild, vast as ocean, greater than the constellation, Truth runs wild deep as life, pure as water fall and fierce as forest fire.

Truth runs wild and free. 

The truth that I only have. My truth…..

I  was walking along the streets, I dont remember what time it was but I knew it was dark. I found myself heading towards the jog spot. Why was I here? I made advances to my so called destination, I could feel and listen the crunches as I walked over those fallen leaves and twigs. 

The neighborhood was awkwardly silent . I imagined aliens abducting everyone overnight and shook my head in disbelief of my childish thoughts. 

Afterall it was normal, the silence! What would I expect to see at this hour anyway but somehow I knew the silence was hurtful rather than peaceful.

 I felt this sudden urgency inside me. I felt the silence was trying to swallow me. I tried to get away from this. I wanted to scream, Just scream any form of words but I found myself struggling to choose the words. I asked myself the most queer question, “What would I scream?” This question just intruiged my urgency even more. I felt like the faceless monster of silence trying to grip  me.

 As my adrenalin accelerated I reacted by running. My footsteps thumped over those fallen leaves and twigs bringing distruption in their initial position I guess. It was still dark and afterall everything was just merely a guess! As I advanced my speed the surrounding around me oddly enough managed to be more darker and it eventually ended up being pitch black.

 I engulfed huge smoulders of air into my lungs as if someone has blocked my trachea but I still didn’t dare to stop nor look back. I ran faster, I ran till my feets were numb. 

Suddenly, I stopped. I stopped running and fell on my knees almost like surrending. I wasn’t consious anymore, I was panting constantly, reaching out for air. 

I felt a shot of pain inside me. The pain wasn’t a sudden one. It was just like it’s been there the whole time, it was me who failed to realize. I felt like someone was pinning on me or or a heavy weight was on my chest. I wanted it off me so badly. 

I struggled to reach out to something but I failed, I tore open my jacket hoping for some relief. I wanted to scream again but this time I felt drops of water dripping on my hands wetting my cheeks. those muffled screams managed to come in the form of tears. In no time I was brusting into tears and wailing like a blithering idiot.”



After math
 The dark hour refers to the upcoming time in my life and the silence monster is the responsibilities that come along as the age of innocence strips off.

I feel numb. I see my life, my plans crashing down because of only and only one reason. They are non existent. They dont exist because half of the time my mind is juggling between hope of possibilities which are often shattered by the harsh slap of reality. 

Reality hurts.

They say, “The truth behind the life I want is unreal But  the life that I tend to want is real.”

Isn’t easy as it seems. Isn’t as worthy to jeopardise everything but breathing yet stoping to live isn’t easy either.

Walls of responsibility can’t be teared down, It can escaped though. But isn’t esacaping an act of cowardice.

So, I am trying to search my truth in the wild. Trying make peace with it,with life because it is all I have, all I need, and all I can do.

“Pack yourself a toothbrush dear
Pack yourself a favorite blouse
Take a withdrawal slip, take all of your savings out
Cause if we don’t leave this town
We might never make it out
I was not born to drown, baby come on”

Confession to my confetti

Confession to my confetti

 

“I have italicized my favorite lines from this blog :)” – lalahang

Its 10:45 pm over here and all of these people chattering in my sitting room about their New Year resolutions got me thinking about the fact that it’s been almost a year now since we first met with some lame flirtation technique bored out of me during my vacations.

So, my new year’s resolution is not to make you my security blanket to wrap around whenever things get a little bit intense on my real life.

Not anymore because my real life composes with you.

I guess I was lonely back then. I was in a very queer phase of my life. I was turning 17 the adulthood-ness was being understood but not making sense which was highly agitating me.
It was so selfish of me to rant about me, me and me all the time while you just listened to me patiently. Honestly, all I wanted was ears that would genuinely listen to my affections, boasts, achievements, goals, regrets and sexual jokes because I was numb for a long long time. But you are so much more than listening ears to me. Your patience and solicitousness tore down all the walls that were stopping me from feeling all the kinds of good shit and bad shit.
Felt like I was 14 again with a jolt in my heart covered with fresh passion. I wasn’t looking at those happy people and pretending to be one of them.

Because I truly was happy.

I know it is sooo weird to still look up to you and expect you to relate to my stupid mood swings and emotional roller coaster but I guess I have a tendency of finding my way to you some how.

I have never had such a great feeling of gratitude for anyone in a long time and I guess we are at the point of our friendship (friends zone excluded) whatever-ish where we just have stopped to expect gibberish stereotypical crush stuffs. No wait re-phrase it is more over like, “where I just have stopped to expect…………”

The thing I am tryna say here is that you are the person that ignites that fire inside me and yet I still have to decide how the hell I am labeling this kind of feeling.

Spoiler alert: No it isn’t love! LOL so don’t scream or.. or run away.

But I guess this is turning into something better than just some stupid basic relationship. I mean I don’t know about you but I definitely am sure I really really do like you and eerrmmm and if you would have liked me back than we could have had a small quiet world of ours! But it is not the truth. Even if it would have been the truth than we had to kneel down against the long distance monster and things would have been messier.

Let’s just say I expect everything yet nothing from you. It is just indescribable in terms of words. I guess you just need to know that you have been soo unconventionally good to me. You didn’t run away from my queerness, you dealt with my unrealistic ego, you kept hanging out with me because you exactly knew my social life was similar to kylie’s lip fulfilled from outside but fake ass from inside.

I don’t usually say this but “I miss you so much” and I know I can do nothing about it because I simply cannot. There is no specific reason for my disability and I don’t want to grasp on the straw of any false hope so I just try to just let it go sometimes, well most of the times and I am frustrated with the amount of failures.

No, I don’t want a committed relationship with you but all I want from you is to look me in the eye and say me that you like me like I like you! Damn that sounds soo fucked up tho! I feel like I am caught up in a tornado because at the end of the day I go to sleep with out any conclusions on my hand which is the worst feeling of all! But then again

Do I even want conclusions?

“All I ask is
If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I am more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do
What lovers do”

Unquestionable answers

Unquestionable answers

Dear hope,

Why do I keep myself in delusion? Why am I letting you win over me?

I won’t deny the fact that you make me insanely happy even though you have constantly bruised me, tore me apart but at the end of the day I find myself standing by your side just for that one fleeting moment of ecstasy.

You say that your happiness is my happiness. But do I really believe in you? You always tend to be that optimistic ray of sunlight that can turn a deserted road into road side buffet party with two rainbows in the sky. You always manage to see the light that’s been trying so hard to be seen underneath all the darkness surrounds me.

So, you show me an open door; Put a band aid on my wound.                                                       Eventually, things just start to get a little bit better!

You slam the door on my face and the realization hits me hard that the band aid was never mine to stick with me.

It’s funny how people shatter our hopes and we shatter theirs in complete absence of our deepest consent. We all know the truth that it wasn’t done on purpose but the irony is, it hurts like it was.

Dear Hope, you are the work of exhaustion and I am just done with you. I have realized no matter how alone I am you just don’t care.

And Dear Hope, I really do hope that you won’t ask me to have faith because every time I do so I am dragged again back down to the point of zero. This crushes my heart by itself a little bit and I don’t how many pieces I have left.

So, I am not giving up on working on myself less lonely. It is something that I’ve always done and I will always do. But dear Hope don’t ask me to hold on to you because hope hurts and I don’t wanna hurt anymore.

Yours sincerely,

Padfoot!

 

“I’m giving it my all                                    

 But I’m not the guy you’re taking home          

                 I keep dancing on my own”