Half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom.

Half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom.

Sparks flew from across the room, jet lights of green, red and blue when our eyes got locked in the midst of people giggling, fooling around, dancing, whispering and moving. 
I felt the mutuality through glances. Call it luck or something else; it seemed as if my dumb, horrible interpreter brain was baptized with some right ass intuitions which might as well be super wrong but I wasn’t able to deny its worthiness.

So, I plucked some of the courage I never knew I had and moved across the room wrestling through pushes and blocking from party animal hypocrites and their sweats, just to follow her and find her.

“Can I buy you a drink?” I sneak in a scream-whisper in her ears.

 Technically it was screaming but the loud EDM made it sound like something that it wasn’t, a whisper.

She smiled and nodded at me.

Does that mean she is interested? Aside from the physical battle I just experienced, I create a battle of my own at the back of my mind, wrestling my thoughts and calculating the permutation and combination of her smile, nod and half hoping she orders something cheap which can be covered from the budget I have left in my pockets. Yes pockets!
Well, what do you expect from a guy who doesn’t even own a wallet?

Luckily, I was saved from the eternal misery of embarrassment as she ordered some cheap beers. Apparently, whiskeys aren’t her thing. BINGO

Friends always tell me be yourself in a date but I have a tendency to run towards the opposite direction. A few drinks in and I almost forget who I am. I mean not in a literal sense I still know who I am but I don’t know who I am. You get me right?

Felt like I was channeling into someone I am not; a hypocrite. I shake my head ask myself, “What the fuck is happening?” but the stuffs running through my veins makes me too busy to answer. Instead I start babbling doing quite opposite of what I am not supposed to do.

I tell her all my lies, my best lies, my awesome lies. Something similar to “once I ate my teapot, tablecloth and tongue all at the same time.”

After our bits of conversation and lots of laughing, it hits me that she inclines handsome men but for me she was making an exception. 

So, I let loose, let my intuition do the talking and ignore everything around me. (If you are pondering on what let loose means. For me it means ignoring the deadline of arriving home at 8 and the fact that I couldn’t be in peace if I don’t reach my “own bed” till 10:30)
Focus on her an involuntary sound commands.
Main goal: impress her.
Basically, get approval from someone whom I’ve known for 30 minutes through the jokes that aren’t even mine.

I clearly get under the influence of being king and queen of the weekend i.e. live a lie.

We talk about an hour. She invites me to stay over her place. How the hell could I refuse my new found self and VAT-TAX-HOMEWORK-RE-CHECK session? 

My intuition told me that it was my turn to nod and smile. My heart skips it’s beat.

“I need your love and I’m dying of the rush cause my heart ain’t got enough”

Yours, Truly disastrous.

Yours, Truly disastrous.

Sorry, there is nothing pure about the things we do.

You fight so hard, so much,

Not to be seen, loved or heard.

 

Then, someone looks at you differently,

And it’s fine.

To give it in, tear it down, stripping it all.

 

But,

 

Vulnerability makes you loose it like shit.

 

They say, “Give it to the fire.”

Your pride, guilt, lust, teeth and yourself………….

 

She spits fire as she gets close

My skin screams, ignites;

I feel the screech of fear and pleasure

 

I run away from fear.

I run back for pleasure.

Pushing up my toes,

Wanting more.

 

We work it out like sun and moon,

I only glow when I am reflecting off of you.

Or, at least we believed so.

 

Guess what! You should know about us more.

No, we shouldn’t.

Or maybe we should.

 

There are perfect graceless nights when you stay.

We suffer from amnesia,

Forget about the distance monster.

 

In the morning,

You go away because you need to.

And I understand because I have to.

 

There is nothing pure about any of this.

 

 

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Sorry, I was never born to drown.

 

We sit down to eat,

We have nothing to say

 

The breakfast gets as cold as our feelings.

 

Sorry, I was too busy seeing happy people on other table.

Sorry, I was too busy swallowing the big lump in my throat.

 

With that follows scream,

Screams that form words, “psychopath, sociopath and foul”

 

Then, you and I leave.

We return back,

Blame it to the long distance monster.

 

But What about the monsters we tuck under our beds?

Our tongues get tied up as we hide each other’s demons.

 

There was nothing pure about us.

We were together for a summer,

After that it was just 9 month’s long influence.

 

I wish it wasn’t influence

I wish it was love.

 

So, you came back

You are here now

I ask, “For how long?”

“Summer break!” she says

 

You are here now

And the perfect graceless nights are merely obligations.

 

We are nothing more than jewelries.

Easily worn and taken off.

 

Told us we were like sun and moon.

Every night I live and you die.

And it gets eclipsed when we meet.

 

You shouldn’t have trusted me.

You know how moon works,

It changes everyday.

so do I.

 

I know I tore you open with my ignorance

We both know we tried to feel anything at all.

We failed to recreate graceless nights similar to our remembrance.

 

I know it is gonna hurt.

So, I will run away first.

 

Soon enough,

Someone will love us.

But that someone isn’t us.

 

She wishes to never meet me, she knows.

I am falling back to the dark hole I came from

And I never felt this safe to curl up while expectation snows.

 

So, fuck you!

 

Dark hole was never a place.

Until I created it.

People call it being alone.

I call it “not drowning into someone else’s shit”

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