Trying to fill meaning into those “Three Empty Words”

Trying to fill meaning into those “Three Empty Words”

(this blog’s narrative is from a dear friend of mine who is in a long distance)

I push my black braid ponytail off my shoulder, jingling the tiny jade and gold beads woven through it. My hair looks pretty all smooth and straight so does the beady necklace HE sent me last month. I wear it everyday like it is my pride. In fact, it is my pride. He really knows how to show affection it is just one of those many things to fall in love with him. He is the kind of guy who belongs on the cover of a romance novel.

I still remember how I fell for him; He is soo tall like, basketball tall, with shoulders wide enough to block any jump shot. But no star athlete would wear that haircut though. His brown eyes sparkles with more intelligence that you’d think at first glance, as if he knows what he looks like in that too-fancy-for-just-school air max shoes. That one look at him made my whole life fall in line. We dated, witnessed each other go through things and we fell in love. Yeah, it was magical. It was a turbulent roller coaster of great memories and fights accompanied with strolling on the streets, watching movies and spooning on the bed after that, leaning on for that first kiss with first ‘I love you’. It was so passionate what would I ask for more?

These days my morning ritual is to observe my reflection in the mirror making weird faces from prune to pout, and filtering it through snapchat & send it to HIM Because he is half way across the globe away from me for past few months. We have nothing common left anymore and I guess pictures are easier than words. No doubt I love him more than anything but sometimes there is so less to speak during boring/ awkward sessions of long distance. When we can’t communicate I just reminisce our days together. I mean what else can I do to cherish my moments when my permanent residency is on sorrowful land of studying?
Good things tend to end at some point. I still recall that moment when he said he was leaving soon enough for abroad. I should have ended things right away because no one deserves to be in the place where we are right now BUT I stayed with him and he stayed with me because I didn’t want to let him go. He was by far the best thing ever happened to me in 16 years of my life. I got to love him and that was the best thing I could ever ask for. I knew from very beginning that he was just like one of those cotton candies that would disappear at one moment but still I insisted myself to stay and lay in his arm! Multiple nights passed away and time flew by our hands but we couldn’t get over making each other warm. I never wanted to bid him goodbye on that airport, I never wanted to take our last picture with his hand wrapped around my side belly. I envy those girls who get to stay with their significant other and I also envy those girls who have had break ups! I mean they all got a closure! They are just done with their relationships unlike me. I am just running on a never resting treadmill.

It is not that we didn’t try to keep up the pace with our relationship but long hours on cellular telephones and virtual hugs are not the best alternatives once you start missing you partner’s smell, touch, hands, and basically everything. That one piece of us that has slightest tendency towards paranoia works as the cheery on the top of disaster. So, heartaches are probably obvious. It is just one of those half understood, half reacted stuffs. At some point it just gets out of control from our grasps. The worst part is we aren’t even able to decide if that feels wrong or right and we just don’t care enough to fight. So, at the end of the day we act like we still love each other just so we can go on with life!

Because there is nothing to hold onto anymore.

I miss him so much. I want him around all the time like I am addicted to him. I don’t want to be alone. He asked me to keep a piece of his heart and make it all my own and trust me I am trying to!! I am not usually like this. I always have been that strong girl and I am still that girl! It’s just that the subconscious part of my mind decides to wake up sometimes! I am usually not afraid but being alone sometimes is too much to handle! I can feel my focus slipping out of my hands and my brain just switches off! It’s like I have fallen under the deep hole of depression and I don’t see it ending any time soon. Sometimes it gets a little too much and it just doesn’t seem I am doing very well to lift the weight of my heavy heart!

We both know communication plays vital role in the relationships especially long distances. But with all the hectic schedules it just can’t be possible some days, well most of the days. Being honest, I fear so much of being relevant with the truth about not feeling passionate in his love anymore that I prefer to keep this topic alone some where in my mind untouched with the deepest thought. I didn’t ask for it because I wanted it rather I am worried, scared about the pain it brings with it. What if I realize that I can’t do it anymore? What if I learn that I am actually being needy and I don’t have the privilege to obliterate that kind of feeling? What if I didn’t want to lean on his love? What if it all falls apart? Can I survive that kind of honesty even with myself? Losing love is like losing an organ, it is like dying but the only difference is that death ends but this thing. It could go on forever and ever.

It is just one of those topics I think about most of the times. I know this might turn into some toxic thing; it might as well be easier to end this because the situation is tangled up like those necklaces on the bottom drawer of closet. But I am a strong girl; Circumstances must try harder to get me out of this mess that we have made! No, I might not be able to shrink the distance between us but I can be patient and untangle our issues. I can work through this because I am stubborn as fuck and I believe on my individualism. I love him and I love myself too. These pessimistic feelings might come in my ways once in a while but I can’t let some stupid feelings to decide our relationship status because I am crystal clear that I have been never been so deep in love before. No matter how much we drift apart I am never going to give up on us. I won’t let us just end up in some stupid yearbooks and pictures hidden in the drawer somewhere because I am ready to wait.

I am not promising some stairway to heaven where everything is gonna be fine. I’d rather be with million other people but I choose you! So, here I am; Ready to work through this long distance and trying to fill meaning into those three empty words. I LOVE YOU…….

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