Dinner of false hopes and desperation

Dinner of false hopes and desperation

Stuck in a maze, playing our games. 
My sickening desire, burning fire, you take away my breath and I’m tired.
I’ve been throwing off my dignity, trailing; hoping too long,  too much that you will pick them.

But you never do it. I know, I hope, you want to.

It’s never enough,  even it is all the time. I want you to use me, bruise me, hurt me, anything is fine as long as we touch. 

Nothing’s true when nothing’s wrong. Even it’s true I have a tendency to hope. Hope makes it all go away. The more you grasp for it,  the more it falls apart. 

So,  dont hope, dont hope! 

It’s our dinner, you feed false hopes to my desperation. You want me like this, down on my knees begging you please. I can’t be fed up from the feed. I want more and therein lies the issue. I am hungry desperate while you are flatered manipulator, sadly there is nothing more nor less than this. 

We never talk about this enough. We should but its worthy to be slipped as long as we play by the rules. You are feeding me what I want,  defeating my conscious mind.  

Keep it hush,  just sweep it under the rug. 
Just let me feast on this dinner. ONE LAST TIME,  just like the promise I made before previous one. 

Stuck in a maze. 

caution: Don’t sext. 

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I know you won’t remember in the morning, when I speak my mind.

I know you won’t remember in the morning, when I speak my mind.

An exception, liability, outcast, out of league and much more but not someone whom you ask to stay.

  After our obvious deeds. I feel our young and blue bodies interwined as we lay. I can inhale you from you hair, felt so damn homely. 

As the night gets youthful, I talk about my friends, family, my aspirations and beliefs as we spoon. I can feel your breath in my arm, head rested on my chest. I feel such a man.
I tell you eveything i am and i am not. You say, “never realized you actually do talk alot” we both laugh at that.

I tell her all my truth. My sinful truth, my ugly truth.      

The more I dive between the future and the past. I see her fading away as I watch her bored hefty eyelids shutting down in a slow pace with her pupils dancing beneath them, dreaming other things but us.

I understand,  hence I stare at her and quit my blather about our non-existent relationship. Afterall, I was an exception.   A needy exception indeed.

I suddenly feel the heavy pit in my stomach. My intution tells me to get out of there.    Correction: sneak out. I recollect my mess of a wardobe from the floor.

Everything moved fast as she didnt smell home anymore. It was bizzare for me to stay out of my bed this late.
Without even glancing a last look back i sneak out. Get a cab. Cry while I returned back home. It felt vunerable to open up, didnt fancy the idea of being myself and not being cared enough. 

I get home, mum chokes me with her love and concern. I dont make eye contact. Brush my teeth and disappear in my comfortable sheets and fluffy pillow. Nothing feels more homely than this. 

A place where I musnt need to keep my hopes low. A place where expectation is dead while the hope is a ghost.  No one toys with the hopeless.  

Once a liability, always a liability.