“I have italicized my favorite lines from this blog :)” – lalahang
Its 10:45 pm over here and all of these people chattering in my sitting room about their New Year resolutions got me thinking about the fact that it’s been almost a year now since we first met with some lame flirtation technique bored out of me during my vacations.
So, my new year’s resolution is not to make you my security blanket to wrap around whenever things get a little bit intense on my real life.
Not anymore because my real life composes with you.
I guess I was lonely back then. I was in a very queer phase of my life. I was turning 17 the adulthood-ness was being understood but not making sense which was highly agitating me.
It was so selfish of me to rant about me, me and me all the time while you just listened to me patiently. Honestly, all I wanted was ears that would genuinely listen to my affections, boasts, achievements, goals, regrets and sexual jokes because I was numb for a long long time. But you are so much more than listening ears to me. Your patience and solicitousness tore down all the walls that were stopping me from feeling all the kinds of good shit and bad shit.
Felt like I was 14 again with a jolt in my heart covered with fresh passion. I wasn’t looking at those happy people and pretending to be one of them.
Because I truly was happy.
I know it is sooo weird to still look up to you and expect you to relate to my stupid mood swings and emotional roller coaster but I guess I have a tendency of finding my way to you some how.
I have never had such a great feeling of gratitude for anyone in a long time and I guess we are at the point of our friendship (friends zone excluded) whatever-ish where we just have stopped to expect gibberish stereotypical crush stuffs. No wait re-phrase it is more over like, “where I just have stopped to expect…………”
The thing I am tryna say here is that you are the person that ignites that fire inside me and yet I still have to decide how the hell I am labeling this kind of feeling.
Spoiler alert: No it isn’t love! LOL so don’t scream or.. or run away.
But I guess this is turning into something better than just some stupid basic relationship. I mean I don’t know about you but I definitely am sure I really really do like you and eerrmmm and if you would have liked me back than we could have had a small quiet world of ours! But it is not the truth. Even if it would have been the truth than we had to kneel down against the long distance monster and things would have been messier.
Let’s just say I expect everything yet nothing from you. It is just indescribable in terms of words. I guess you just need to know that you have been soo unconventionally good to me. You didn’t run away from my queerness, you dealt with my unrealistic ego, you kept hanging out with me because you exactly knew my social life was similar to kylie’s lip fulfilled from outside but fake ass from inside.
I don’t usually say this but “I miss you so much” and I know I can do nothing about it because I simply cannot. There is no specific reason for my disability and I don’t want to grasp on the straw of any false hope so I just try to just let it go sometimes, well most of the times and I am frustrated with the amount of failures.
No, I don’t want a committed relationship with you but all I want from you is to look me in the eye and say me that you like me like I like you! Damn that sounds soo fucked up tho! I feel like I am caught up in a tornado because at the end of the day I go to sleep with out any conclusions on my hand which is the worst feeling of all! But then again
Do I even want conclusions?
“All I ask is
If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I am more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do
What lovers do”