We all know you do exist because you do.
She was different from rest of the girls but in a good way. Overly ambitious, bubbly, supportive, rebellious, sarcastic and sometimes judgmental and paranoid bottled up in a huge EGO. I don’t know I guess I was bored or simply these qualities of hers attracted me towards her but I do know that gravity was working against me.
“Do you have an ego flower?” she asked me with a sarcastic flirty smirk when we were walking along our school’s Para field. It was one of those March days when sun shone hot and wind blew cold. “Maybe, Maybe not! Do you?” was all I could blurt out of my blush. She laughed tilting her head backwards showcasing her perfect braces. I laughed with her and she held my arms “Well, hmm depends on what you think” I could feel her manicured nails lightly digging my arms but all I could do was watch and stare at her beautiful alluring twinkling eyes as they were fixated on mine.
It has been months now! We don’t speak with each other. Eyes contacts? Hmm…. Well, mostly in the corridors Once or twice a week!! Sometimes, not at all. We just stopped talking! And when I say stop talking I mean a literal stop talking. We don’t even exchange smiles. It is like one of those situations where we just woke up and forgot about each other over night. It is not that our contacts were swept away by oblivion. In simple words, we just ignored each other’s voice at the best way possible and blocked each other’s Instagram accounts. It’s not that we hate each other but we just hate to swallow our prides.
I can’t even recall why we stopped talking.
Oh! Yeah, I do. The same old reason the big ego flower that we all posses inside us. Trust me we all own one and trust me more if you are anything like me you won’t believe me. But I guess if you deny that you don’t have an ego flower it pretty much sounds like denying that you have a brain OR a heart. You must have been pressurizing your cute little head as I could have linked our ego with anything but the concept of flower? Well, according to my theory ego functions as a flower. It requires certain requirements to grow and prosper. I bet my life that you all know how photosynthesis works.
Even though it is an absurd way to describe ego!
Anyway, the ego flower inside us also requires water for its advancements. Ego flowers can be seen in various shapes, sizes and colors. Different people have their own individual ego flower. Some flowers bloom and some don’t.
Her ego flower was blooming. Maybe that was one of the many reasons I was drawn to her like she was a centre of the gravity. She was an invested gardener. She nursed and caressed her ego flower like anything in this world. She wanted it to prosper and wanted me water her flower. I was excited to be with her, I wanted more of her, maybe more than just a friend. I had to swallow my pride and water her ego flowers for that and I was so confused! Every single ounce of my body wanted to be with her but the fear of watering her flowers was greater than that. So, I took a step back and declared “I can’t water your ego flower anymore! If I did so, I would end up murdering mine and my ego is my first priority.”
The deal got sealed. We took different paths because our interests were similar but our priorities were carbon copies. We needed the same thing out of each other. Selfishly speaking if she would have taken a bow thing would have been different but watering others ego flower was an alien culture to both of us.
Maybe that was what supposed to happen to us.
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react! I stayed quite rather than yammering about the incident. I don’t know if this should affect me this much but the fact is it is affecting me down to the point of science at this moment. She wasn’t a long term friend rather we hung out hardly for a month. When people ask about our status I am thankful to whoever created the term “complicated”
When people ask about our feuds “I dumped her/him” is our answers. But lets be honest we can’t be precise to only one’s fault. When my brain tries to break it down various maybes run through my head.
Maybe we both made mistakes maybe didn’t make any mistakes at all.
Maybe drifting apart was a right choice maybe it wasn’t.
Maybe we just over shared too much too soon maybe we didn’t know each other well.
I can give thousands of reasons on the table but the fact that we are complete strangers again still bugs me. Does that mean I am not over her? But we weren’t in anything serious for it to be over.
The only one question my brain interrogates me every once in a while is “Does she feel the same about us like I do?” this thought makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel restlessness inside me, I walk and re-walk on the passages and balconies. I think and re-think about my unidentified problem. I feel like spiraling downwards but again you can’t spiral when you have already fallen hard on your face.
And I realize I am HURT.
I am hurt because she did everything and nothing to make up the problems between us.
I am hurt because she didn’t compromise with her ego flower.
I am hurt because I was super into her but she was intermittently into me.
I am hurt because she acted like an egoistic mental head case.
I am hurt because she was supportive and judgmental at the same time.
I am hurt because I am all alone marinating with my broken heart.
Finally, I am hurting with all of the reasons that she is hurting.
And we both are equally responsible.
The bitter truth is we didn’t leave things in a good place. Of course, we will get over it but I will never be able to understand the science behind ego flower completely. The situation is melancholy because I didn’t have a proper chance for re-thinking and over-thinking us. This might be a mistake but I love my pride more than anything. I will always mourn on our potential friendship and good moments that we never had as a fellow human companion who understood me. The feeling of having boatload butterflies under my belly was unforgettable. People split due to their odds but our similarities were the problem here. I will always admire your ego flower but I will never ever water it.