THE EGO FLOWER

THE EGO FLOWER

We all know you do exist because you do.

She was different from rest of the girls but in a good way. Overly ambitious, bubbly, supportive, rebellious, sarcastic and sometimes judgmental and paranoid bottled up in a huge EGO. I don’t know I guess I was bored or simply these qualities of hers attracted me towards her but I do know that gravity was working against me.

“Do you have an ego flower?” she asked me with a sarcastic flirty smirk when we were walking along our school’s Para field. It was one of those March days when sun shone hot and wind blew cold. “Maybe, Maybe not! Do you?” was all I could blurt out of my blush. She laughed tilting her head backwards showcasing her perfect braces. I laughed with her and she held my arms “Well, hmm depends on what you think” I could feel her manicured nails lightly digging my arms but all I could do was watch and stare at her beautiful alluring twinkling eyes as they were fixated on mine.

It has been months now! We don’t speak with each other. Eyes contacts? Hmm…. Well, mostly in the corridors Once or twice a week!! Sometimes, not at all. We just stopped talking! And when I say stop talking I mean a literal stop talking. We don’t even exchange smiles. It is like one of those situations where we just woke up and forgot about each other over night. It is not that our contacts were swept away by oblivion. In simple words, we just ignored each other’s voice at the best way possible and blocked each other’s Instagram accounts. It’s not that we hate each other but we just hate to swallow our prides.
I can’t even recall why we stopped talking.

Oh! Yeah, I do. The same old reason the big ego flower that we all posses inside us. Trust me we all own one and trust me more if you are anything like me you won’t believe me. But I guess if you deny that you don’t have an ego flower it pretty much sounds like denying that you have a brain OR a heart. You must have been pressurizing your cute little head as I could have linked our ego with anything but the concept of flower? Well, according to my theory ego functions as a flower. It requires certain requirements to grow and prosper. I bet my life that you all know how photosynthesis works.

Even though it is an absurd way to describe ego!

Anyway, the ego flower inside us also requires water for its advancements. Ego flowers can be seen in various shapes, sizes and colors. Different people have their own individual ego flower. Some flowers bloom and some don’t.

Her ego flower was blooming. Maybe that was one of the many reasons I was drawn to her like she was a centre of the gravity. She was an invested gardener. She nursed and caressed her ego flower like anything in this world. She wanted it to prosper and wanted me water her flower. I was excited to be with her, I wanted more of her, maybe more than just a friend. I had to swallow my pride and water her ego flowers for that and I was so confused! Every single ounce of my body wanted to be with her but the fear of watering her flowers was greater than that. So, I took a step back and declared “I can’t water your ego flower anymore! If I did so, I would end up murdering mine and my ego is my first priority.”

The deal got sealed. We took different paths because our interests were similar but our priorities were carbon copies. We needed the same thing out of each other. Selfishly speaking if she would have taken a bow thing would have been different but watering others ego flower was an alien culture to both of us.

Maybe that was what supposed to happen to us.

I don’t even know how I’m supposed to react! I stayed quite rather than yammering about the incident. I don’t know if this should affect me this much but the fact is it is affecting me down to the point of science at this moment. She wasn’t a long term friend rather we hung out hardly for a month. When people ask about our status I am thankful to whoever created the term “complicated”

When people ask about our feuds “I dumped her/him” is our answers. But lets be honest we can’t be precise to only one’s fault. When my brain tries to break it down various maybes run through my head.

Maybe we both made mistakes maybe didn’t make any mistakes at all.
Maybe drifting apart was a right choice maybe it wasn’t.
Maybe we just over shared too much too soon maybe we didn’t know each other well.
I can give thousands of reasons on the table but the fact that we are complete strangers again still bugs me. Does that mean I am not over her? But we weren’t in anything serious for it to be over.

The only one question my brain interrogates me every once in a while is “Does she feel the same about us like I do?” this thought makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel restlessness inside me, I walk and re-walk on the passages and balconies. I think and re-think about my unidentified problem. I feel like spiraling downwards but again you can’t spiral when you have already fallen hard on your face.

And I realize I am HURT.

I am hurt because she did everything and nothing to make up the problems between us.
I am hurt because she didn’t compromise with her ego flower.
I am hurt because I was super into her but she was intermittently into me.
I am hurt because she acted like an egoistic mental head case.
I am hurt because she was supportive and judgmental at the same time.
I am hurt because I am all alone marinating with my broken heart.

Finally, I am hurting with all of the reasons that she is hurting.
And we both are equally responsible.

The bitter truth is we didn’t leave things in a good place. Of course, we will get over it but I will never be able to understand the science behind ego flower completely. The situation is melancholy because I didn’t have a proper chance for re-thinking and over-thinking us. This might be a mistake but I love my pride more than anything. I will always mourn on our potential friendship and good moments that we never had as a fellow human companion who understood me. The feeling of having boatload butterflies under my belly was unforgettable. People split due to their odds but our similarities were the problem here. I will always admire your ego flower but I will never ever water it.

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Being selfishly ignorant might be the most selfless thing you’ve done to yourself

Being selfishly ignorant might be the most selfless thing you’ve done to yourself

The world is filled with various serial killers, sociopaths, bullies and some self proclaimed dicks but the scariest thing to us is our low self esteem. No matter how many decades or centuries (vampires included) you have lived your life you will never have a 100% self esteem. Any big or small incident that occurs in your life just makes you question yourself at night. Our low esteem don’t change we just get way too better at hiding at it. But looking at the brighter side sometimes we find ourselves being utterly happy and satisfied with ourselves. We even love our faces when we open the front camera for selfies. Turns out the whole thing is just a huge emotional roller coaster and people got a phrase for it “LIFE”

The first thing we learn after our birth is communication. The irony is the more we grow the harder it becomes to keep up with the communication. Especially when it is on a touchy subject and everyone just can’t help but keep the hands off it and we are obviously likely to have those moments where we lose our inner patience and can’t deal with it anymore. I have way lot more incidents where I badly needed the art of ignorance.

We Nepalese have SLC examination on the 10th grade. It is like the most important thing for a student. The whole nation is going to be curious about the results. So it is a quite big deal here. If you are a SLC candidate and the result has been just published there is no chance that you can get away without being asked about it on the streets of the town. In the true sophisticated Nepalese Society fashion the questions like “what was the division OR percentage?” were raining on me from the prying eyes and awful sugary mouths of my neighbors. Being a decent good boy I would answer “I got 75.66% sir”. If the conversation would have ended in this point I would have been happier than anyone but it goes on and on as they would eventually raise their eyebrows having a sympathetic face and say something like, “Oh! Dear so sad that you missed distinction” and they expect me to agree with them in return! Basically wouldn’t leave until I blurt something about regretting and promise of bringing good marks next time. They literally want me to bang my fists on the wall, cry my eye balls out for not a having distinction. I got the same repeated reaction from various relatives and other people for months. Of course there were some cool blokes too who would just encourage and say that was good marks. But the majority was from the people I described above. I know they are saying a nice thing but ain’t nothing is nice if it hurts your feelings and lower your self confidence in you.

The little itsy bitsy superstition popular in our society is that people here have a mindset that the teens change physically, taking more care of themselves in the free time after SLC and increase their beauty standards. I mean I won’t deny the fact that I have seen various beasts turn into beauties or handsome whatever. But err…….it is not gravitation people! Not applicable to everyone in the universe. So, my cousin and I went for visiting Basantapur and casually hung out on a random lounge. This was supposed to be a peaceful day but plot twists as she asks me “Why are you still the same?” Of course my first reaction would be “my pardon!” and she rants about the whole SLC-BeautyBeast-Transformation issue and clearly agrees with the fact that I am a fat, sloppy, good for nothing, ugly, nerd. BUT HEY WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT! She also tries to explain me how we should be able to reminisce our teenage version proudly when we get older in life. In order to be proud of it I have to get six packs and wear those uncomfortable jeans. Not only girls but guys are also facing the pressure of being lean and on shape. What I believe is obesity isn’t good for any one if it is harming your health but if you are healthy you have to force yourself OR starve just to prove you look good. Anyway I didn’t feel good about myself for about a week after this conversation and Would I ever hangout with my cousin the answer is big fat NO. Now I do strongly believe that I don’t want to reminisce myself as a hot hunk rather I would like to make people remember me as an optimistic ray of sunlight who can turn a desert into a roadside buffet party with two rainbows on sky.

We all know high school is a hell lot of drama in a particular place. Being fresher for the 11th grade is awkward. Nobody wants to be friend with you let alone the dating part. In this rush you kind of don’t have time to choose your friends circle. With out thinking anything much you bash into some funky group or create a group in order to drink cheap beers and protest about the things we don’t even care about. But there is always a weight obsessed guy in a group who haunts you by the crazy ideas of losing weight and giving you unwanted solutions. This isn’t good at all. You don’t want help until you actually seek for it. People should really stop reminding others that they are out of shape more times than they should. Even those people who are comfortable on their own skin gets insecure due the sayings of people. I mean working on your flaws is a good thing but there is also a fine line between hard working and being paranoid. Another people whom we meet is the one who is suffering from “verbal diarrhea” an earthquake might occur but they don’t mind stop talking. If you sit with these people in class you surely will pass with a bad grade because you won’t get a minute of your teacher’s lecture when the gossip is out on the table. I don’t know why but these sorts of people RUIN and MAKE my day at the same time. They are so warm and fuzzy but I can’t trust them completely which makes me feel bad and I feel like I am betraying a friend. And good for nothing guilt phase starts.
Senior year of the school is stressful. Overly due homework, unfinished essays, tests and our sweaty hair/faces are few of the many reasons we are on a jumpy state. Last thing we would want is set of random people judging you and giving you random counseling. We’ve got 99 problems but those people who hover around and stick their nose on other’s business ain’t going to be one of em’

People might say this is over thinking and an article from a crazy person but that is what I feel about when it comes to conversation on touchy subjects of our life with world even though I will never ever admit it and I don’t know why! Either I am too lazy to do so OR I am too afraid to see my clear reflection of who I am. But at the end of the day all that matters is our happiness and satisfaction. If we don’t feel comfortable with anything or anyone I don’t think we are bound to stay around them. I don’t mean running away is solution but I guess we should also learn to ignore the stupid theories of people about life and concentrate on surrounding ourselves with more inspiring and admiring people. Challenge ourselves to move on. I am still saying and I always will say “It is okay to turn into a monosyllabic goon if you don’t want to be a part of the conversation or take the suggestions! You are not being selfishly ignorant you are just doing the most selfless thing to yourself!”